The Gratitude Myth Busted: Why It Isn’t Always The Answer.
- Sally Cross
- Jul 24
- 3 min read
By Sally Cross, Intimacy & Relationship coach, Therapeutic Coach & Author.
They say gratitude is the magic pill for happiness. Pop one in the morning, another before bed, and voilà—your life will sparkle. Or will it? What if gratitude isn’t the miracle cure we’ve been sold? What if, sometimes, it’s just a shiny plaster slapped over a deep wound? Let’s stir the pot, shall we?
The Gratitude Gospel:
Gratitude has been marketed as the ultimate life hack. Science backs it up: studies show that grateful people are happier, healthier, and even sleep better. Coaches preach it and practice it, including me! Influencers hashtag it. Entire journals are dedicated to it. And don’t get me wrong, genuine gratitude can feel incredible. It can soften a hard day, shift your perspective, and make the small stuff matter.
But here’s where it gets messy: when gratitude becomes a rule instead of a gift. When it’s something you feel you must do to be “spiritual enough,” “positive enough,” or (heaven forbid) “worthy of happiness.” That’s when gratitude goes from gold dust to glitter glue; sticky, sparkly, and not nearly as strong as you hoped.
The Problem with Forced Gratitude:
Ever had a day that went spectacularly wrong? The kids were feral, the boiler broke, your boss sent that email, and someone chirps, “Just be grateful for what you have!” Cue steam shooting from your ears.
Here’s the thing: forced gratitude can backfire. Instead of lifting you up, it can make you feel worse, because now, on top of everything else, you’re failing at being thankful. (Great. Add that to your gratitude journal.)
And let’s be honest: the relentless push to “find the good in everything” can slip into toxic positivity. It says, “Don’t feel your feelings, just be grateful.” That’s emotional bypassing with a smiley sticker on it.
When Gratitude Keeps You Stuck:
Here’s a spicy thought: gratitude can sometimes keep you in situations you shouldn’t tolerate:
“I should be grateful I have a job”… even though it’s burning you out.
“I should be grateful for my partner”… even if the relationship is eroding your soul.
Gratitude is beautiful, until it becomes a cage. When it stops you from saying, “Actually, I deserve more,” it’s no longer helping you grow. It’s keeping you small.
So What’s the Alternative?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-gratitude. I’m anti-gratitude-on-demand. The truth is, gratitude works best when it’s authentic, not obligatory. So instead of cramming three things into a journal at midnight because someone on social media told you to, try this:
Start with honesty. “Today was rubbish. I’m tired. I feel low.” That’s okay.
Make space for the messy. Feel the grief, the anger, the disappointment. Gratitude without truth is just glitter sprinkled over shite.
Let gratitude land naturally. When you genuinely notice something good; a smile, a cup of tea, a moment of peace, then say thank you. Not before.
The Bottom Line:
Gratitude isn’t bad, it’s just not always a magic wand. And if you can’t muster it right now? You’re not failing. You’re human. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do isn’t writing a list of blessings, it’s giving yourself permission to feel everything, unedited.
So yes, be grateful… when it’s real. But let’s stop turning gratitude into a performance piece. Your feelings are valid, even the messy ones. Especially the messy ones!
What do YOU think? Does gratitude always help, or can it sometimes hurt?
Drop your thoughts in the comments!
If this has triggered something in you and you have a desire to talk it through, then drop me a line at: sally@sallycross.com
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